Wednesday, March 7, 2007

Magnificent Obsession/More

Magnificent Obsession - Stephen Curtis Chapman

Lord You know how much
I want to know so much
In the way of answers and explanations
I have cried and prayed
And still I seem to stay
In the middle of life's complications
All this pursuing leaves me feeling like I'm chasing down the wind
But now it's brought me back to You
And I can see again

More, tonight. More questions, more answers, more sorrow in my heart at what I see there. More hope, and less understanding. Which is good. That's how it needs to be. I honestly don't feel like I know much of anything right now. I'm doubting my motivations for almost everything. I know that God is working; I can see and feel His hand, and I want this, oh so very much. But it hurts so very much.

This is everything I want
This is everything I need
I want this to be my one consuming passion
Everything my heart desires
Lord I want it all to be for You, Jesus
Be my magnificent obsession

There are things inside my heart I had no idea were there. There are pains and wounds I didn't see, never knew existed until thirty minutes ago. There are whole ways of approaching the world that just aren't Godly. That hurt people. That cause pain and sorrow. My heart is so full of the black, the dark - but it also has God's light in it. This struggle? It's to make sure the light is more than the dark. It's to replace half-truths and partial-truths with the whole truth. It's to change what has been broken into something that is whole and complete, that functions the way it was meant to.

So capture my heart again
Take me to depths I've never been
Into the riches of Your grace and Your mercy
Return me to the cross
And let me be completely lost
In the wonder of the love
That You've shown me
Cut through these chains that tie me down to so many lesser things
Let all my dreams fall to the ground
Until this one remains

This cuts to the core of who I am - or who I thought I've been. It is my very person, my being at stake here, and in the battle between good and evil, it's my soul on the line. But like I've said before, we know that battle's won. I know Who my Hope is. Certainly it's not myself. It can't be. I can't accomplish this. My own strength is so utterly insufficient. But remember the one whose grace is sufficient, whose power is perfected in my weakness! Oh how I want to understand my weakness, how I want to know that I am nothing.

You are everything I want
And You are everything I need
Lord, You are all my heart desires
You are everything to me

These places in the dark recesses of my heart that I didn't know were there - I'm so grateful to God for exposing them, for bringing them to the light. The evil that is there, and the pains that are there, both. The former so that it can be eradicated; the latter so that they can be healed. So much to wrestle with. I am very overwhelmed by it all at the moment. I don't have time, right now, to sit and pray and read the Word for hours to wrestle through this, though I honestly want nothing more than to do precisely that. I have work that must get done. Homework. Studying. And so forth. I have responsibilities that must be met. I am looking forward to spring break, to time when I can go and be alone with God for long stretches at a time. When God can continue to probe down to the roots of this and root it out and change me and renew me and remake me and transform me more into His image. When God can kill my flesh and heal my heart and restore my soul.

You are everything I want
You are everything I need
I want You to be my one consuming passion
Everything my heart desires
Lord, I want it all to be for You
I want it all to be for You

I don't have much to offer right now. In fact, I honestly think I can say, for the first time in a long while, maybe ever, that I don't think I have anything to offer. But I don't know. I want to mean that. I think I do. But do I? I don't know. Which means the answer is probably no. Which just means God has farther to go in working that in me. I know it in my head. My heart isn't sure of it yet, and it needs to be.

Be my magnificent obsession
Be my magnificent obsession

Be comforted with His comfort, secure in His love, trusting in Him alone. Thank you for the support you've offered and the prayers you've prayed. I love you all, though not yet as I should. God's blessings be with you.

- Chris


  1. i was in counseling for 2 1/2 years almost every week. for about the first year i overlapped that with a celebrate recovery codependence group. then for six months i overlapped the counseling with an intense sexual abuse recovery group that met once a week with homework.

    early on in my therapy, i asked my counselor, "so, how long? how long is this going to take till i'm *there*."

    and he looked at me and said, "well, i'm not even *there* yet. it's a process."

    i wanted to jump up and hit that man! but i've learned he is right. it's a process. there are times in the process where our learning and growing are intense, as it was during my counseling years, and there are times when it's not so intense. neither is good or bad or right or wrong or preferred. they just are what they are.

    may you see this for what it is - a part of the process of God making you into His image ... a process that will continue till you reach eternity (so, for the sake of your precious parents, don't get *there* just yet, okay?!)

    you are very deep; it's a beautiful quality and gift. but our strengths are also our weaknesses. you don't have to work so hard; the Holy Spirit is quite capable of convicting without your help ;) actually, He does a much better job when we do get out of the way.

    take the time you need with God during spring break, but also take time to celebrate and have fun and climb out of your "deep" into more shallow waters. it's okay. and it gives the deep more perspective and significance :)

    (btw - i just realized our spring break is next week! eeeeek!!! gotta come up with some things to do with my girls!!!)

  2. chris - i just read your comment on the modesty survey thread and really appreciate it. i have not read thru all the comments - don't want to get in the middle of it.

    while i completely agree with you, i also believe women, young women, and girls need this information. somewhere along the line, in general, moms stopped passing this down to their daughters. i'm shocked at what i hear women (moms) say and do related to their dress - and what they teach their daughters. i'm shocked at what quite a few mothers wear up to the school. i've thought a lot about "why," and though i don't have all the answers, or even conclusive ones, i think i understand some.

    i think there are many women who would take your comment - which i agree with - and run with it to an extreme which i do not believe you would intend. however, on the other end, for women to be stressed over EVERYthing they wear or might wear is not good, either.

    all that women were told for years was not to dress *that* way - they were never told why - so it held no relevance. perhaps this will begin to help women see the "why" and move toward "center."

    another thing - as long as women allow it, the clothing industry will not cater to modest dress. if we stand up and say no more, we will be given more selection from the clothing industry.

    thanks for your frankness. for most godly women, it's all okay - they probably fret to the extreme, but they're fine. still, there are many, and i know many, who dress just to make a man stumble, and they take GREAT delight in it. and i truly believe we, as women, are held responsible to God for the way we dress.

    it's that way all thru the bible. a husband is to love his wife as Christ loved the church. period. not if she respects him. a wife is to respect her husband. period. not if he loves her properly. it's not if/then.

    i kinda think the modesty thing goes like that, too. it's not an if/then or an either/or. women are to dress modestly, and we are responsible to God for how we present ourselves. men are to guard their thoughts, and you are responsible to God for whether you do or not.

    it's not that i am responsible for men or that men are responsible for women. each is responsible for themselves.

    it's tough, all around. and obviously a timeless issue b/c it's spoken of in the Bible! i cannot control the thoughts of men anymore than men can control the way i dress.

    i hope i'm making sense.

    i'm sure you would not want either of your sisters, or your mom, walking out of the house in clothing that you know will cause a man to go places in his mind he should not go. and i know you will definitely not want other men having the opportunity to go to those places with your wife. yet, none need to wear overcoats over layers of clothing everytime we are around a man or could possibly be around a man!

    you are very wise. guard your heart. guard your thoughts. NEVER give in. it doesn't take a lot, as you know - giving in a little here, a little there. that might be okay with a bite of chocolate - a bite here one day; a bite there another day. but i always believe i'm just one moment, one choice, from being way away from God. there are somethings that need to be absolute for those of us who so love our God. and guarding our hearts and thoughts is one of those. we all fail; God picks all of us up. and we need to ask Him to enable us to be relentless in pursuing Him.

  3. wow, I agree with all that Ame wrote to you in both posts. Isn't God good? He brings that confirmation to you from others in the body. How thankful I am, and how humble, that it doesn't have to always come from me, even though I want to offer you wisdom as your mom.

    I love you, Mom

  4. That's quite an analysis right here. Very deep and geniune. There are times in my life where I'm just tired and helpless. I have been through so much emotional pain in my life whether from others inflicted me or the consequences of my sins. When I look back, I couldn't believe what I been through. Alone, I couldn't survive. With God, I thrived in spite of the pain. Maybe God's putting you through this to season you and teach you to be more deliberate in loving Him. Just pray and pray. Don't forget to listen to him too. (sorry if comment is long)


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